10 Days in Paoyan – Part Six

April 23rd

The ceremony last night kicked my ass.

When Miky came around, he gave me quite a large dose of the medicine, a full cup. I can usually get it all back in one quick shot. But this was too much, so I drank half, and then drained the rest. I didn’t dare think about it, as I knew that if I were to really consider the taste, the texture, the smell, I wouldn’t be able to keep it down. I’ve found that the thought of drinking is actually much worse than the experience itself. Usually.

I entered this ceremony in a very positive state of mind. I was open to whatever I was about to experience, and I think this facilitated Ayahuasca’s work. I was intent on only one thing, really, and that was to concentrate and watch, as Miky often encourages us to do. The visions came and went, and I let them, and didn’t attempt to analyze. I remember a few things.

There was a scene of a kind of corridor, suspended in the midst of a nebulous, red and purple space. The colors remind me, upon reflection, of the pictures I’ve seen from the Hubble. But the corridor was made up of men and women, human bodies, suspended, and their limbs were hanging down. One of the men fell out of his position, and he collided with the legs of the others as he kind of floated down and away, like he was in some sort of zero gravity environment.

That passed, and I continued to experience other visions and began to converse with Ayahuasca. Suddenly, it seemed like the Q&A portion of the ceremony, and for some reason, I asked “What does Ayahuasca know?” Immediately I felt the inadequacy and futility of my query. And there was laughter, and she said “What a Western question.” And then I saw her, for the first time. She was a beautiful woman, dark, with thick bands of color across her face, and she had this knowing smile. Her face came out of the darkness, and I saw it for just a moment, and then it was obscured by the shadows again. She looked amused, and understanding, and gently admonishing. Amazing.

There was another instance (I have absolutely no idea of the chronology of these visions, by the way, as time is impossible to reckon during the ceremony) when a black serpent appeared, looking menacing. I reminded myself of Miky’s statement. Concentrate and watch. And I wasn’t frightened, and I opened myself to whatever it was. And it looked at me for a moment, and then it lunged, and I saw its mouth open and its fangs extend, and I was bitten, but felt no pain. It seemed to smile as it slunk back into the darkness, and it was replaced by a kind of white smoke that took the shape of a human skull. It was clearly death. And at that point, I became afraid. And my thoughts started to run away and I began contemplating what this all meant. Was it a warning? A threat? A spiritual attack? Did it poison me somehow? But the words that I’d made my mantra for the ceremony came back: “concentrate and watch.” So I let my fear and questions go, and just tried to watch. And the visions progressed.

There were two, maybe three times as well that I recognized the presence of Chiricsanango. I didn’t see the spirit, but it was associated with a physical symptom that I’ve never experienced in ceremony and that felt somehow foreign to Ayahuasca. This was an intense rush of blood to the head and incredible dizziness, the same that I’d felt after drinking the plant both times. I was surprised, and hesitated to trust my identification of this presence with Chiric, as I thought it would take longer to experience. But by the third time it happened, I was convinced and no longer doubted.

At some point during all of this I started vomiting. I vomited hard. I could feel the remnants of the fish and rice we had for lunch swim back up my throat and kind of explode into the bowl in front of me. My belly emptied – I remember knowing when it was completely drained. But I wasn’t done. I heaved and strained, finding little bits of Ayahuasca hidden away in the deep recesses of me. I vomited from my toenails. I pushed the bucket away, now at least half full, and stretched out on my mat. I began to think, for some reason, about vomiting particular experiences. I knew I wasn’t finished purging. I thought about my ex, my family, myself, nothing resonated. Then the depressive thoughts began to return, but I caught myself before I really started to entertain them.

And then it hit me: there is a part of myself that is in love with my sadness, my sickness, and that part is what’s preventing me from letting go of all the negative shit inside. That’s what I wanted to vomit. And the moment I realized this, a little creature appeared in front of me, looking like a cross between a gopher and a rat. I knew immediately that it was that part of me personified. There were others, too, as the night progressed, that I identified with jealousy, vanity, etc… but they weren’t the problem. It all came down to that little fucker who wouldn’t let anything go, that loved and protected the rest of my sins.

So I started chasing him throughout my body. I wanted to catch him, and I wanted to throw him up, to expel him from me completely. He mocked me, and taunted me as I did my best to lay hold of him. I attempted to vomit, with limited success, throughout the rest of the ceremony. I wretched until I was bringing up bile, and it burnt my throat and mouth. But I couldn’t catch him. He’d told me I wouldn’t. (But I fucking will.)

Later in the ceremony I realized that this thing I’d been chasing was just a manifestation that Ayahuasca had utilized in order to make it easier for me to remove that aspect of myself. It wasn’t a separate entity, it was just another part of me. The vision was necessary, however, and it helped me to identify what I need to rid myself of.

One more thing I’ll record: I’ve said before that I’ve been shown in numerous ways that I need love. More accurately, I need to learn to accept the love that’s always present. And there was a point in ceremony when I thought on this, and expected to feel that dearth of affection that I’ve experienced up until this point. But I couldn’t find that emptiness, that lack. I searched myself, but it wasn’t there. I was very surprised. Even now, as I write this, though I know I’m still searching for it, it’s not so palpable a want as it was before. This is just one example of many that I could recount of Ayahuasca’s healing ability which I’ve experienced in my short time spent drinking.

Tomorrow’s ceremony will be powerful. It is the 4th and last before the Arcana ceremony, and I expect that the healing will be deep and intense.