10 Days in Paoyan – Part Seven

April 25th

We took a jungle hike yesterday, to see the various trees and plants we’ve all been dieting, or that we might in the future. When we returned, I started to experience severe pain in my throat, and it began to swell up and was sore to the touch. I don’t know why exactly. But as I knew that Miky was going to give most of us a full cup that evening (“the warrior’s dose”) I became a bit concerned about physically getting the medicine down (to say nothing of its return journey).

When he came around, I took it in two swallows again, and on the second I had to really work to suppress my gag reflex. Several people began to vomit before the icaros began, but it didn’t kick in for me until about an hour into the ceremony.

I was lying on my mat, in my usual fetal position, and I realized fairly quickly that I needed to vomit, and that it was coming. I sat up. By this time I’d begun to talk with Ayahuasca, and she encouraged me to purge, to make the effort to get it out. I agreed (like I had a choice), but I asked her to take out whatever was causing the swelling at the same time. She said she would, so I sat up and eventually it came flooding out of my mouth. It hurt my throat, but not as much as I’d expected. After shaking a bit, I collapsed back onto my mat. It was freezing, and my teeth chattered as I worked to stretch my little poncho over my body in an effort to warm up.

I asked Ayahuasca if she’d gotten the sickness along with everything else in my stomach. It’s a very strange experience, talking to a plant in your body. She said that some of it had come out, but that I’ll deal with it in ceremony again tomorrow night. After that I should be fine. She said I could purge further if I wanted to remove it completely, but I couldn’t move, and that was okay.

Of course, I took this all with a grain of salt, and decided on a “wait and see” approach. If some of whatever was causing the swelling had actually been expelled, I could expect fewer symptoms and less pain come morning. If it was all just my imagination, then my throat would likely be the same, or worse, by sunrise.

I awakened this morning and the symptoms had decreased. As the day has progressed, they’ve decreased further. Draw your own conclusions.

I want to quickly jot this down, as it’s on my mind. In our lives, as we chase after the love and favor of another person, we’ve (I’ve) got to remember that at the end there is just one love, one beauty, that’s reflected in all of us, more or less strongly. We’re like men dying of thirst surrounded all the time by oceans of the purest water. I’ve been blind to this, in some sense willfully, for a long while.

To continue with the ceremony: there was a point when my mind wandered, and I felt delirious, and I decided to try to call out to spirits, to see if they’d come, to see if they’d interact with me in a more tangible sense than I’d hitherto experienced. There are numerous kinds of spirit interactions in the world of Ayahuasca. Some I’ve read about, some I’ve heard about from others. In some cases, ayahuasqueros and long-time drinkers will even intermingle, marry and start a family with these beings. When I called to them, I immediately saw a figure, very far off and looking native, standing on at the water’s edge of a large river with his hand raised. But the person was obscured by an enormous cloud of insects, swarming between him and myself. Insects, as I’ve written previously, have so far symbolized the sickness inside of me, and have indicated my need to purge. The message was immediately clear: this kind of interaction will come, but in a long time, after more ceremonies and more cleaning than I cared to contemplate at that moment.

I thought about the Ayahuasca in my vomit bucket. I stared down into it and saw what looked like a hundred eyes looking up at me. It looked as though things were swimming around inside of it, as well. I wondered how it worked; how did this plant take from us all of the negativity, the accumulated shit of a lifetime? And a thought came, that was half mine, and half Ayahuasca’s, if that makes sense. This medicine absorbs the sickness in the same way that the Agua Florida absorbs the icaros. It takes it into itself, and is imprinted by all of our afflictions, and then forces us to reject it, carrying all of our sadness and turmoil and struggle outside of our bodies. The phrase “takes upon himself the sins of the world” came to mind. Afterwards, I asked Papa Miky about it, as I felt that it may have constituted more imagination than insight. He agreed and confirmed the validity of the thought, however.

Other things transpired during the ceremony, but there’s only one more realization that I’d like to mention. At one point, it felt like Ayahuasca was being quite playful with me, and it brought me a good deal of joy. Suddenly she said, “Let’s write a story together!” I laughed out loud and said no – I wanted to continue working. A little while later, she brought it up again. I remember that I smiled, and agreed. She asked me what we should write, and I drew a complete blank. I told her that I had no idea what to write, or even how to write in that state. I could barely formulate coherent sentences. All of the sudden we were at a large blackboard, and her hand guided mine, and I seemed to be tracing out cursive letters like I used to in elementary school. I didn’t know what to make of all of this, and I found it generally amusing, until all at once the intention was made clear. Ayahuasca was connecting me to my writing, reminding me of how much I enjoy it, why I started to begin with, the reasons that I should continue.

As these thoughts and memories came flooding back, I was overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude toward Ayahuasca and God, and I saw clearly (in series of flashing scenes) that throughout my life, God has, either himself (I use the words “God” and “himself” for simplicity’s sake, but think of the concept however you please) or via others, always been willing to raise me up from the very bottom, as a child, and to teach me all that I require, starting from nothing. It struck me. Infinite patience, infinite love, always present.